January 12, 2003

Miss Lynie’s Guest Entry

Welcome, kids, to Lynie’s School for Clueless Boyfriends. I know that some of you don’t know why you’re here, but let’s, for a minute at least, forget about those restraints around your wrists and ankles and listen to what the teacher has to say for today, shall we? It isn’t like you have much of a choice, anyway.

Today’s lesson is called Jewelry: A Gold-Digger’s Best Friend”. Most of you have, at one time or another, been confronted by your S.O. (significant other)–if you’re married we’ll say I.O. (insignificant other)–about why you never buy her jewelry and if you don’t smarten up soon, [she’ll] darn go and find a husband who will”. Don’t buy the hype, kids; it’s all a crock of shit. If, when she makes a ostentatious statement like that, you choose to cave in to her demands because you’re a wuss and can’t stand up for yourself, you’ll find your restraints tightened until your extremities turn blue or you get a clue and kick her sorry ass to the curb. You’re a man, right? It’s about time you made known your position in this relationship.

Now, teacher isn’t trying to devaluate her own gender with this lesson, she’s merely shelling facts that high-maintenance girlfriends who are all about the jewelry aren’t in love with you, but just your monetary value and her materialistic tastes. Miss Lynie wants to see these girls get what they deserve: a big kick in the bum and slaps across the face until they get some sense knocked into them.

If you are involved with a girl like that [“I pity the fool”–Mister T.] I have a few tips to give you to gradually turn her into a carefree, loving girlfriend who’ll actually appreciate you for who you are and might–you never know–be very giving in the, uh, bedroom department cough cough. Stranger things have happened.

Okay, so, she has a birthday coming up and has asked for a cute charm bracelet? Buy her a tool belt instead. Wipe that confused look off your face and listen to the mistress! In an indirect sense, tool belts are the same as charm bracelets. H.M.G. (high-maintenance girlfriend) can wear it, add metallic objects to it, and she can proudly show it off to all her carpentry friends (the ones you found at the bar and paid $10 each to come home with you and meet the missus, along with a lifetime supply of electro-shock therapy to sooth the pain of the sound of H.M.G.’s obnoxious voice. Shut up, you know how she is).

After your 6-month stay in the I.C.U. and the expiration date of your restraining order has passed, you can resume your loving gift-giving extravaganza because now that you’re crippled, no girl will ever love you as much as M.M.G. (mid-maintenance girlfriend. While you were away, she had some time to think about the gift you gave her and has started to soften up. Also, one of her carpentry friends gave her a coupon for a session that he couldn’t attend because he had some mafia business to take care of. I don’t know. Just know that her intelligent level, as high as it was before [sic] has dropped a few dozen.) does.

Make your way to the hardware store–careful, that motorized wheelchair is a bitch to get out of ditches–and start purchasing electrical tools. She knows what it feels like to get electrocuted, so now she’s ready for the big leagues. Your best bet would be to get her a Dremmel tool; then she can cut, polish, sharpen, carve, chisel, engrave both your initials in her skin so you’ll be bonded forever and EVER, oh and did I mention it cuts? Yes? Okay then. I’m as forgetful as the commercial, it seems.

Once all the silverware in a 10-mile radius has been polished clean and everybody in town starts walking around with sunglasses and white sticks and a few people have fallen and they can’t get up (HELLO run-on sentence!), your girlfriend will go up to you and ask you if it’s nearing Christmas (by golly, yes! It’s only 3 weeks away) all innocently and wonders if you’d buy her a new tool. Then–and only then–will you know that you’ve been successful at turning a H.M.G. into a L.M.G. (low-maintenance gal). Congratulations!

Now I know that this isn’t an easy process to accomplish and that’s why I’ve compiled a list of things to say if she ever resists (and you know she will! She is, after all, a woman and that’s what women do).

When she says: If you loved me you’d buy me diamond earrings” you reply: and if YOU loved ME you’d give me more blow jobs than Michael Jackson gets nose jobs” (they’re both jobs! Hee, I made a funny.)

When she says: (insert irritating gossipy friend’s name here) got a pearl necklace from her sick excuse of a husband (that’s what you’re thinking because if he married that hag, he’s not much of a man, is he?) for their anniversary” you say if I bought you jewelry people wouldn’t pay attention to your beautiful face anymore. You don’t want that now, do you?” (flattery always works, boys)

When you buy her her first tool you’ll undoubtedly be met with a look of disgust and she’ll spit at you what am I supposed to do with this?” you can say start by fixing your attitude and then go and make me some shelves, while you’re at it.” Just make sure you’re wearing an armor suit when you say that or else you’ll be the next John Wayne Bobbit.

At least HE’S getting some now.

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